So the cycle begins again… I’ve met another man… and he seems to like me… I’ve opened myself up to him a little… but I feel guarded and emotionally shut down… he’s done the same things as the rest of them… made future plans with me and promises… he’s knows I’m damaged and broken… so he proceeds with caution… but is persistent… we’ve slept together so here comes the inevitable moment of truth… and the part where the feeling that he only wanted that and he will go away…. to be honest… I don’t even know if I like him… I mean… yes theres part of me that does… we get along so well… it’s very easy… but there’s a part of me that says we should remain friends… maybe it has to do with the fact that I don’t want him to go away… I like he’s friends… and I like a reason to get out of my apartment because it gets me out of my head… does that mean I’m using him? Am I just over analyzing? I probably am, huh? I’m just so tired of being sad all the time… I’m tired of feeling like everything goes away in life and nothing stays… at least not for me. I’m tired of feeling like all men want to do is sleep with me to… I’m tired of feeling like I’m not that girl you can bring home to meet mom… I’m tired of them only wanting to take a piece of me and leave the rest behind…
I think the only thing keeping me going is hope… and I’m not sure how much longer I will hold onto it… I’m not sure how much longer I can… I don’t think I have a choice in the matter… my soul has been slowly chipped away by all the hurt and the pain that soon I will be an empty shell not capable of much emotion…
Now allow me to delve deeper here… I’m not so naive as to say that if I don’t find ‘the one’ soon I will be crushed… hell in the last 26 years I’ve only ever felt connected to one person… I’m not an idiot… I just want something substantial to last longer than two months… and if it doesn’t, I just don’t want to feel like I’m being thrown away… like I’m so easily disposed of… I’m just so tired of feeling this way… this man doesn’t feel that way… for now… but then… they never do… maybe I should just expect every morning to wake up with him gone… maybe that way I will be pleasantly surprised if he’s still there… and if he leaves… I would’ve known it all along… I think I could survive that… I just don’t know how my emotions would react to this… theres only one way to find out.
